I am laying in bed. The clock has been ticking every second and it is now officially three (almost four) hours past the time I originally should have closed my eyes and drifted into a state of dreams. The dogs are asleep. Jason is snoring, the television is on but on a blank screen… at least it is now. I’ve watched movies, fumbled with my Kindle and periodically look to see if there is anything new on Facebook… nothing. It seems everyone has fallen into a peaceful slumber except for me.

I have battled tears running across the bridge of my nose as I toss side to side. I have screamed silently within my head for just an ounce of quiet yet, the thoughts just keep running over and over in my mind with one major question attached. What if?

What if this day had never happened 33 years ago today? Would I be the person I am today? Would I be fighting the demons I fight now? Would it have been for the better or for the worse? Of course these are questions that will never be answered. Yet, they haunt me on this day, year after year, for the past 33 years. They will haunt me further, year after year, they will be with me.

I was thirteen years old. Just a mere seven months away from my 14th birthday. The day that could have been a major game changer in my life. I would have legally had the right to choose which parent I wanted to live with. A family secret that my grandmother had accidentally let slip out.

Since I had come from a less than happy childhood, I desperately knew the choice to make. I would meet her – my mother. I would be in paradise and all the ills of the world would fall away. She would show me what I had always longed for… unconditional love.

Thirty-three years ago, I was called home.I had been in the neighborhood woods with my best friend and fellow troublemaker, Teresa McDuffy. Dad had something he wanted to tell me. As if nothing were out of sorts, he simply stated “Your mother died.” My entire world turned black… My lifelong dream had died. He followed up the brutal statement with an even more brutal comment, as if a demand, “You never knew her, you don’t have to cry.” The words forever scarred into my ears and I can never forget them.

I slowly walked back to the woods, tears streaming down my face. Luckily, Teresa had already left for home or somewhere to smile, laugh and continue with her life. I dug our stash of cigarettes from the ground and took one from the plastic sandwich bag and choked in deep into my lungs. My dream had died.

I acted stoic, nothing could penetrate my armor, yet, I was far from dodging the bullets that were tossed around the house. Finally, I spoke up and asked if I could go to the funeral. My father said yes… I was glad for that. At least I would get to see my brother that had left a decade before, meet the other side of my family and perhaps see what she looked like. But, days passed and nothing was mentioned, no arrangements were made for me to travel to Wisconsin, nor anywhere else. It was just a way to hush me at the moment.

It’s been 33 years and I sit here as if still a 13 year old child, as I do every year and recount the vision of dad fumbling through the mail telling me the shattering news. Same puffy and reddened eyes, same tears, same snotty nose. The only difference is, today, I have a soft pillow to drowned the sorrow instead of the dirt surrounded by the Georgia Pines.

I know her energy is scattered through the Universe and that brings me comfort, for one day mine will too. I learned her battle with brain cancer was long and hard fought and she mentioned me often. I don’t know if my brother just said this to make me feel better or whether it was true, but supposedly, she cried every year on my birthday.

I may have never know you in real life, but in my heart and mind, you were a perfect mother Nancy Ann (Cordio) Reise.

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Christmas 2012

Posted: November 27, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

It’s Christmas time again. It’s time for everyone to flood the stores and buy presents for everyone in their family. Holly jolly music fills the stores and radio stations and people bounce around wishing each other a “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays”.

People put too much stock in Christmas in my opinion. Maybe I have such a melancholy attitude towards the holidays because it’s such a depressing time for me. All year long people are so hateful, jealous, envious and spiteful. They whisper rumors and low-grade anyone different from them. They shoot others, stab them (even if it’s invisibly in the back) and act as if their shit doesn’t stink. But, let this time of year roll around and everyone pretends they are so in love with life and others.

Faulty wishes for peace and joy while wishes for bombings and killings are going on daily. Every day this year, I have seen images of people beaten for being gay, for being Muslim, for being “different”. I’ve seen and read stories of dog’s drug behind pickup trucks and stabbed because the person was angry at their girlfriend. I’ve heard stories from vets and rescuers of cats being set on fire for simply being a non-preferred animal of choice.

Human beings are doing this on a daily basis yet they have the balls to put up Christmas trees, smile, and give hugs in nothing more than an attempt to get that gift on December 25th. I may be a Grinch and hold onto the evil people do, but think of me as the reverse of this Santa person who is evidently blind to everyday deeds except those performed after Thanksgiving.

I don’t believe there is a Santa… not even in the heart of humans. Not even me. I am not pure and innocent and neither is anyone of you. No one deserves a gift at Christmas. Not one human being alive deserves a single thing at this time of year and I will tell you why.

I think I am one of the best people to observe others and their generosity, kindness and compassion for others. And honestly, it only happens once a year for most folks. I have no parents, no grandparents or siblings. I have a son who has his own family and has totally forgotten the old one. I have my husband and my animals and that suits me fine. True, there are a few people out there I call friend but they are few and far between.

Throughout the year I have seen some wicked shit. People coming to blows and cursing one another for holding different beliefs then saying in the name of their religion, their political party, their belief that it is right the other should suffer. What kind of love for humanity is that? What kind of compassion is it to walk passed a homeless “beggar” and clutch your Gucci handbag close while on your way to Neiman Marcus? That man may have fought a war for your right to walk to that store to buy your next pair of designer heels.

Are people aware that there are more veterans on the street than actual “bums”? Are people aware that the homeless could actually get off the street and be productive in society if just given a hand up? When were you NOT given a hand up? Every one reading this was given something in life that led them to being able to read this and enjoy their day. Perhaps it was your parents, a teacher, a fireman that saved your house when you were a kid, the car your uncle passed down to you. How many of us actually count our blessings that REALLY happened? NONE! Oh yes, there are those religious miracles… like that time you found a $20.00 bill laying on the curb. You were so happy God left it there for you, yet, at the same time a single mother is crying she lost the same $20.00 that would have bought her child formula. That is NOT a religious miracle from God or anyone else.

You know what Christmas is about? It’s about unconditional love, giving, compassion, caring and loyalty to all and doing it all year long. If you are not acting Christmassy all year, you deserve no gift for a fake pretend care during a month long span. Why should you get a “thanks for being in my address book” when you hated me during the presidential race?

You know there is one group who does deserve Christmas gifts. There is only one group that deserves a real thank you for loving me, caring about me and not judging me or even you. That is the animal group. Cats, dogs, fishes and frogs. Horses and cows and pigs and goats and chickens and apes, lions and turtles. Only our animal friends know the real meaning of Christmas and partake in it year round. Are they judgmental? Are they hateful and spread falsehoods behind your back? NO! They greet you, love unconditionally and never dump you at the “pound” for forgetting your manners. We are the lesser beings and don’t deserve a damned thing.

Beth Ladnier

2012

Zilla

Posted: June 17, 2012 in Aging, Animals, Disease, Family, Medication, Myths, Pit Bulls, Trauma, Youth

December 25, 2010 a litter of Pit Bull puppies were born. I knew nothing about them until a few days after when I saw this sign up at the local store that read “PIT BULL PUPPIES”. As an owner of one the best  temperaments of dog in the U.S.A.,  a pit bull, I couldn’t resist the thought of owning another! My husband’s birthday was coming and I knew a white baby boy would make him the happiest pittie daddy in the world.

We went just to look, and one of the pups pooped on me. I HAD to have him. Sure enough, as soon as the pup was weaned, we got him. From the looks of the people and the company they kept and with the trailer they lived in nestled behind any other dwelling, we got the feeling maybe these dogs were going to end up in a not so nice situation, so, we considered him a rescue. We knew for sure, he’d never spend not one moment in a fighting ring.

In a year, he had turned into a full blown daddy’s boy, following him even to go to the bathroom. He went on car rides to the store and helped his daddy taste test the cooking and pre-washed the dishes for cleaning. Zilla was a dream dog. He never barked unless there was someone in his yard who didn’t belong or if he thought his daddy had forgotten and left him behind. He would get roughed up (but never hurt) by his two older sisters and he’d always run back to daddy for the confidence and protection all “tough” pit bulls need…for just a bit of reassurance.

We knew as he was growing that he had some hip problems. We finally got the hips x-rayed and sure enough, it was pretty bad case of Dysplasia. The vet was more concerned about the knot in his throat that was growing rapidly and honestly, we were too! The knot seemed to appear over night, then two knots, then three. Something was happening and it was happening FAST! The vet wanted to get a biopsy immediately.

We held fundraisers and chip-in’s to raise the money for a biopsy but the money just didn’t trickle in fast enough, when out of the blue a friend came to the rescue and Zilla’s appointment was made for the operating table. It was the first time Zilla spent the night away from home. I was scared he was lonely, in pain, and the bed just felt so empty.

The wait on the biopsy results seemed to take forever and by this time, the lumps had grown so large. They were now in his groin, behind his knee and in his shoulders. He was hurting all the time though we were constantly giving him medicine to fight the pain off. He would just lay with his daddy. His “get up and go” only came in slow increments. He wanted to play but just didn’t have the energy.

We googled it and didn’t like the results but each google search no matter how we worded it came back as Lymphoma. But, we held out hope the biopsy, which was just days prior, would bring about benign news. Unfortunately, our google searches were correct. Our baby boy was in the late stage of cancer. Removing all the tumors was not an option the vet said. It wouldn’t stop it. Chemo would be thousands of dollars and we’d have to take him way up to Auburn University for treatments and that was no guarantee since the cancer was so far advanced. We had to face it. It was a death sentence. Our baby boy, my special boy, was on his way to the Rainbow Bridge.

His sisters knew something wasn’t right. They weren’t his biological sisters, but bloodline doesn’t matter in a family. Pryssa had begun just watching him instead of playing with her beloved baby brother. Booger was gentler with him than she had been before, as she would give him soft kisses still with her tail beating a hundred miles an hour. They still loved their baby brother, though they were frightened of hurting him, as he would just lay and whine.

He got so tired of the medicine we were having to shove down his throat every two and a half hours. He stopped eating but was always so thirsty. I knew those damn tumors were in his organs by now. Every morning he let me know he was awake by cries and whines of pain instead of his trotting down the hall with tail wagging.

Jason and I had to decide what was best for our baby. We came to the hardest decision we would ever face but we decided if it were us, we would want the option, which is yet not available for humans. No more cries, no more pain, no more exhaustion or struggling to breathe… at least for him.

We went to the doctor, Zilla sitting in the front seat for his car ride. His fever was terrible, he was burning up, so hot. The air conditioning vents pointing in his direction, his tongue hanging low, but the famous pit bull smile on his face, it was his last that he would ride in pain.

The vet gave us time as he called the other patients in one at a time, their turn to see the doctor first. We got to take pictures, our faces red and swollen from tears, his still had his famous smile. Our time came and I hugged him and told him I loved him so. My special baby boy.

To the Rainbow Bridge my dear boy. Run free, run proud. Play hard and roll in the grass. Play with the children there waiting for you and the pets of those before you. Wet your feet in the water and eat cookies like crazy. No one will limit your treats or tell you they are all gone. Forever in our hearts you will always be, our special baby boy.

ChipIn Help Needed!

Posted: May 10, 2012 in Uncategorized

http://widget.chipin.com/widget/id/3033543ba854b2e5 – Needing help affording dog food. If you can help in any way, it will be greatly appreciated.

 

Video  —  Posted: May 9, 2012 in Uncategorized

I’m not that old but, back in my school days I was taught to question things. My teachers always told me to ask questions. They would even end a lesson with “Does anyone have any questions?” Of course, I’d never speak up in school but now that I’m older, I question many, many things. My most thought about question is usually “What are they thinking?”

That is my question of people today. It seems no one thinks for themselves anymore. They just believe what someone says and don’t THINK or QUESTION it. They just walk along as zombies, like a manufactured society automatically programmed to believe what Joe Blow tells them.

Let’s take one of our earliest programmed thoughts… religion. Does anyone actually read and think and question their “good book”? Oh hell no! That’s blasphemy to question the book! The Bible, for instance, is not to be questioned, it is to be believed at all costs… well maybe just certain passages. In this day and age we can sit and eat ham and shrimp and know we are not doomed to hell, but to believe in loving the sinner not the sin, oh no, we must make congressional rulings forbidding anything we might feel is a sin. It is in the good book so it must be so! But, forget those other things in it, times have changed… Insert an evil wink here… no more slavery, well the Bible said we should have slaves. Give everything to the poor. The Bible says we should but, well, maybe not the house and diamonds and oh, never the Escalade!

Why do people not think??? They listened to this bizarre story and take it for literal but don’t believe frogs turn into princes or pumpkins turn into carriages. What is the difference? There really is none! Educate yourself! There have been hundreds of virgin births and seas parting and martyrs coming back from the dead all throughout the centuries but we choose to disregard all the rest of the historical gods but one? It’s just the same fairy tale with a twist in names… but, momma and society said so, so it must be so.

(You see the Pope sitting in a gold chair dressed in silken robes. Betcha’ he couldn’t care less that I don’t have food in my freezer!)

In our society we pass laws which affect every human in our country. These laws should be fair to all and be non-biased to our “leaders” personal beliefs. But, it’s not happening! Millions of people are being forced to live lives, being beaten, shunned, killed, separated from their families and more just because they refuse to fall for another’s thoughts and beliefs. They think for themselves and so they become societies rejects.

Who am I referring to? Well, here is a small list.Maybe you fit in one of these categories… gays, democrats, atheists, activists, welfare recipients, immigrants, even emo’s – I really could go on and on. We are a country founded by men who THOUGHT before writing on a piece of paper. Yes, they thought before deciding on the radical ways of the constitution. It was for the country to grow and think and question itself. They envisioned men like themselves continuing the forwarding of this country. THINKERS!

The constitution says: separation of church and state. Do you know why? Have you ever questioned or THOUGHT about why? Because there are many religions. No one should be persecuted for not falling victim to another’s belief in a fairy tale or god or book or statue,or anything else. That is freedom. We are supposed to be living in a free society yet everyday, people are failing to think and question and so they do as momma says and they hold onto old worn out, outdated information and they vote their rights away.

We are on a collision course with stupidity. Taking a once great nation and jamming it into reverse. We are falling backwards to a third world country because we are failing to think, progress with the times and bettering ourselves.

Our country is number thirty four when it comes to infant mortality. (49 according to the CIA Factbook). That’s sad! We rank number one in obesity, teen pregnancy and oil use. That’s a shame! But what does this country focus on besides botox and breast implants? Banning gay rights and having Jesus as president.

Critter Food Fund

Due to an unforseen immediate financial crisis, 6 dogs and 7 cats are needing food… the people are too but, they can fend for themselves, the animals can’t. Can you spare some change to go toward their food? If you are uncomfortable doing this chipin, but are willing to help, you can contact the Pascagoula, MS Walmart (store 1066) and buy a bag online, have it “shipped to store” 1066 and I or my husband Jason (Ladnier) can pick it up. We are extremely grateful for anyone that can help.For more info, you can contact me directly at Beth Ladnier at bethladnier@aol.com.

Link  —  Posted: April 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

Six months ago, my only sibling and I got in touch. He was pretty much at death’s door so, as a good little sister, I went and got him and brought him home with me. At his very first doctor appointment he was sent to the hospital and admitted for two days just to bring his blood pressure to an acceptable range. It would be a few months before we got it “normal”.

He’d crack a beer or two or three or six. Perhaps he was celebrating getting back together with his little sister.

We went camping soon after his hospital release and that’s when I saw the true colors come out. This guy was a stumbling, loud, belligerent drunk. The camping trip was not much fun at all. In fact, we packed it in early simply because my husband and I thought once we get home, the drunkenness will go away and a more normal life will take place. Yeah, we had a lesson to learn!

Every unemployment check my brother got went straight to alcohol. No helping with the household costs. Occasionally he’d throw a couple of bills our way but not nearly enough to cover any of his expenses. We fed his dog, we paid for the groceries, we never asked him for anything but to get well. We even paid for his prescriptions. He never even offered to help but, of course with his self proclaimed mental state and blood pressure, we never asked for much more than to take the garbage out.

As the drinking and lack of hygiene continued, I got increasingly uncomfortable so I would slink my way back to my room and watch my television, fold laundry, or find something to do that was out of his presence. I would come out and fix dinner but other than that, I tried to keep myself busy in other rooms.

In this six month time period, I found my own body and mind reacting to the stress. My health began deteriorating. It was taking less and less to get on my nerves. Eventually I had to just about shut myself off to the stressors, otherwise known as my long-lost brother and his alcohol.

Now, in all these months he was going to see a mental health professional along with a general doctor. They both agreed and told him it was the alcohol contributing to his health problems. He would raise hell in the car on the ride home so, in time he learned to lie to them and make them think he was doing “better” with the drinking, they’d put him on medications to help, he’d raise hell to me and my husband and say he’s only agreeing with it to get on disability. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out he just wouldn’t have to work and have beer money if he got on disability. The alcoholism is his only disability as we have seen in these months. Plain and simple. That and the effects that come with it.

I learned talking to him was useless. Mentally he is a twelve-year-old. He just never made it past the mental state of thinking he was a rock star and the world is messed up, not him. At least four DUI‘s, several broken marriages, being rejected by your own children and still you can’t piece it together even though it’s in your mirror looking at you? There’s a problem there and you’re in denial to the highest degree.

So, I have moved all my needed supplies to my bedroom by this point. My computer, my medicines, etc. This way I pretty much only come around for coffee and even those trips to the coffee maker are causing me stress. I just can’t handle being around a slosh who is sponging off me. His unemployment has run it’s course and now he doesn’t care who he gets his needs from but he gets a small check from a friend of his that pays for his alcohol. I refuse to be a co-dependent and buy it for him.

So, things have now gotten to the point where I have decided I want my house back. How am I going to kick him out? These thoughts are reeling in my mind. Then one day my son comes over and asks what in the hell is his uncle doing. Well, my son is technically a recovering addict, so I tell him the truth with no sugar coating. Which, at the time, his uncle had popped up the tent in the back yard and was sloshing with a few cases of beer and a gallon of wine and his medicine the doctor had prescribed for anxiety, blood pressure, etc. After day two we didn’t even know if he was alive.

The straw broke. He refuses treatment. He has been in treatment many times through the years and everyone has the problem, not him. Well, yep, he’s right, we have a problem but it’s with HIM! He has no problem living in a fake slushy world disillusioned from reality.

So the saying goes, you can’t help those who refuse to help themselves. I’ve offered my hand and arm and shoulder, my wallet, my home, my everything, but I refuse to lose myself in the act of trying and trying and trying when all I am doing is beating a dead horse over and over.

So, ya know, I might not have any blood family except for my son and his new baby but that just makes me a winner. I know I am sober and lucid and able to love and enjoy the pleasures in life. I don’t live in a bottle and I am so thankful for that. As soon as that bus takes my brother away I have a great life to LIVE!

Update that may interest YOU!

Posted: March 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

I’ve had to move my site to a new host and while going through all that bull, I decided to revamp the whole site. I’ve added new blogs that you might find an interest in…. be sure to comment on the particular blog you find of interest!

http://www.mesbeth.com

I am constantly seeing posts and comments by people saying things like “God isn’t allowed in school”, and reasoning that is why there was a school shooting, and posts and threads like that. People think it’s so witty to say such things. But, how much thought have they put into such statements?

No, god isn’t allowed in school and I am glad. I think god should be banned in many other places as well. In fact, I believe god should be banned everywhere except in your home and in your church. It’s for the simple fact that we are a civilization of many beliefs and gods. What makes the Christian God any better than the Muslim God, the Hindi God, or any other god?

This country was founded on religious freedom. Do we ever really think about the importance of this and what the implications will be if we allow it to be squashed? Do we really want to become a Christian nation? 

If you are Christian, do you want to pay for a Muslim church? What if the role were reversed? Should Muslims have to pay for a Christian church?

If you are Christian, should your children be forced to learn all the teachings of Allah? If we allow church into state matters, we must allow all religions in. No religion is better than another except in your personal belief.

These force fed beliefs happened before and scores of innocents were killed, maimed and lived in fear. Look up the history of Christianity. Look up the devices that were invented to force everyone to believe. The Rack, The Wheel, The Iron Maiden, burning of the flesh with branding irons and pokers. Here-say was taken at face value. Thousands upon thousands thrown in jails simply for not believing or not following another’s belief. 

Is it fair to have to build and fund thousands of new jails to house people simply because their belief is different from yours? Who will pay to police this policy? Is this what you really want?

Suppose this country turns into a Muslim only country. Do you want your child forced to believe in a god you don’t believe in? Would you like to be forced to wear a hijab? Do you want to be forced to refrain from alcohol and pray to a god you don’t believe in 5 times a day?

No, you have the right to wear what you want, pray when you want and drink if you so choose. Why force someone to do as your religion says even if it’s not what they believe?

It’s bullying. Plain and simple. An act of power tripping! God gave us free will (according to the Christian Bible). Jesus loved all and taught that everyone should love others as if they were their brother. I don’t think either one, Jesus or God, would force one of his flock to believe or force one to believe in His way or no way. In fact, I only hear this “allow God in schools” thing from one religious group and that is the Christians. The other religions don’t push their beliefs on others… So, why are the Christians wanting to bully the human rights from others? If I ever get a decent answer to this, I’ll be sure to blog about it!